Mixed Vegetables

Daveybloke's cuddly communities secretary and pro-Christian pusher of the Winterval myth, Eric Pickles, has issued a new emergency decree in the war on multiculturalism. It appears that there are far too many Indians in the Indian restaurant business, and Eric Pickles wants it stopped, and stopped now. Rather than letting market forces fight it out among themselves, he is setting up a college so that genuine British people can learn how to cook Indian food, thereby solving Britain's immigration crisis by enabling more chefs to be turned back at the border.

The idea is in due conformity with those of Pickles' comparatively brilliant colleague Iain Duncan Smith, who has rejected Gordon Brown's job-creation slogan "British jobs for British workers" in favour of "getting British workers ready for British jobs" because, as we all know, there are so many British vacancies out there, simply gasping to be filled. Speaking of vacancies, Pickles' scheme may also bask in the approval of Daveybloke's even more comparatively brilliant token Muslim, Baroness Warsi, who has argued for stronger links between the Muslim and Jewish communities, as recommended by the British National Party, and who has expressed a wish to "create a country where people were not embarrassed to say they believed in God or attended church" and where people like the Reverend Blair or Lord Carey of Blathering-in-the-Dotage can finally come out of their shells.

Pickles' college is part of an "integration strategy" which will also incorporate hoped-for bursts of tolerant, inclusive nationalism during the Tony Olympics and the celebrations of Mrs Windsor's sixty glorious years; an online integration forum where people who can't get along in real life can join together and bust bureaucracy; and an "initiative to establish common ground with Gypsy and Traveller communities" before kicking them off it.