Holy Mother

Tony Blair has borne Murdoch's children

Former prime minister Tony Blair is not only the godfather of one of Rupert Murdoch's children but the mother of two more, it has emerged.

Blair's godfather status was revealed by Murdoch's latest wife, Windi Dengue, in a hurriedly scheduled we're-human-too interview for Vogue.

The baptism took place on the banks of the Jordan, where Blair's other best chum Jesus had a similar experience some years ago.

Several witnesses claimed to see a white bird fluttering around Blair's head, but opinion is divided as to whether the species was legal eagle (Cheri sanctimonius) or red-topped vulture (Hackette toxica).

Soon after the ceremony, Blair developed what were at first believed to be rectal polyps, but instead he was eventually delivered of two malodorous bald wrinkled things whose paternity Murdoch is believed to have admitted.

"Tony just dotes on them," said a source close to the family. "They share his kennel and everything. Cherie was a bit uppity at first, but Rupert threw some money at her and everything was fine."

It is believed that there was some debate at first as to whether the father might instead have been Blair's other best chum, George W Bush.

"The implausibility of that scenario became obvious pretty quickly," said a spokesbeing. "Even if Bush could have found Tony's anus with both hands and a flashlight, he still wouldn't have known what to do with it."

The matter was rapidly settled thanks to the considerable degree of moral resemblance which other members of the Murdoch family bear to rectal polyps.