The Curmudgeon


Monday, August 22, 2011

The Walking Metaphor

Fed to the back teeth and unable to stomach its situation further, a Flesh-Eating Zombie fought its way past dozens of redneck survivalists and several battalions of cultural critics to present itself at the quarters of a Most Eminent Surgeon, who greeted it in the customary fashion by clapping a pistol to its head.

"There is no need for that," reassured the Flesh-Eating Zombie, yanking out a yard or two of bulging intestine to demonstrate its lack of immediate need for sustenance.
"You can't fool me," said the Most Eminent Surgeon; "it is well known that your kind eat because of blind instinct alone, and not from any nutritional necessity. Are you not aware that all Flesh-Eating Zombies are no more than a Metaphor for Rampant Consumerism in the Late Capitalist Era?"
"That is precisely why I am here," replied the Flesh-Eating Zombie. "This facile and inaccurate stereotyping of my kind must stop. We are not, and never have been, a Metaphor for Rampant Consumerism in the Late Capitalist Era. We do not prey on one another, and we are too honest for advertising purposes. No Flesh-Eating Zombie has ever tried to tell its victim that we were all being gnawed at together."
"My friend," said the Most Eminent Surgeon, "your plight touches my heart, as I trust your molars never shall. I feel certain I can make you better."
"Will it hurt?" asked the Flesh-Eating Zombie, remembering the cultural critics.
"Not a bit," said the Most Eminent Surgeon, taking hold of a loop of intestine and hauling away. In no time at all he had removed several dozen feet of excess tubing, and asking the Flesh-Eating Zombie to extend its arms, he wound it all into a single neat loop which he hung up carefully in case the Flesh-Eating Zombie should care to buy it back later. Then the Most Eminent Surgeon gave a firm tug on the duodenum, and sewed the end of the Flesh-Eating Zombie's remaining intestine over the Flesh-Eating Zombie's mouth.

"Now," said the Most Eminent Surgeon, as the Flesh-Eating Zombie indicated, by various motions of its remaining anatomical components, a degree of curiosity concerning the likely benefits of this procedure, "you are no longer able to consume what surrounds you, and instead must continually consume what you have already excreted, and then excrete it into yourself to be consumed again, doubtless with diminishing returns. Admittedly, your abilities as a Flesh-Eating Zombie have been somewhat curtailed, but I am sure you will concede that your talents as a Metaphor for Rampant Consumerism in the Late Capitalist Era have been greatly enhanced."


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home