Protecting Our Heritage

Though Wee Nicky's moral qualms may have faded in the glow of his very own Special Relationship, the UK Border Agency continues in its courageous zeal to keep Britain safe for hard-working families. A poet who came two weeks ago "to give a recital", of all things, was refused entry to the country and threatened with a ten-year ban. No doubt alarm bells started ringing when he informed the duty apes that he was an American citizen, as opposed to a plain honest American. In fact, the poet is of Russian extraction, and was thus an immigrant even before his dastardly attempt to infiltrate the shores of Albion.

"Creative artists from across the world are welcome to perform in the UK," said a spokesbeing. "However, as with any visitors, we expect individuals to meet entry requirements", which apparently include fingerprints, eye scans and, most biometrically formidable of all, assurances that visitors do not intend to use their cameras, paintbrushes or instruments to steal jobs from the white working class. The Border Agency's most famous victory is perhaps the one over Abbas Kiarostami, who was processed twice by the British embassy in Tehran and has now taken the hint. Indigenous luminaries such as Richard Curtis need fear no competition from that quarter.