Hacking Up the Health Service

Silver lining smiles amid the gathering stormclouds' growing head of steam

The Minister for Health Twizzlerisation and his Labour shadow have both expressed their gratitude to News Corporation for keeping controversy out of the headlines.

Although the Prime Minister has been forced to fly back from Africa, where he was engaged in a tragically misconceived attempt to add credibility to the Foreign Secretary, this is seen as a good thing for the proposed privatisation of children's wheelchairs.

With everyone united in condemnation of the phone hacking scandal, the Government's plans have been announced in reasonable secrecy.

"If it weren't for Rupert and his team, we'd have had to face yet more questions about privatising essential services and allowing profiteers to exploit crippled children," said a spokesbeing.

"If it had gone really badly, the PM might even have been forced to wave his dead child around again, and nowadays quite frankly that corpse is looking a bit shopworn. Too much more and the sawdust may start to leak out."

Labour also expressed its gratitude, utilising the same spokesbeing for the purposes of expense claims.

"The hacking scandal has focused attention on the Conservatives and the police rather than on who's been handing out PFI contracts for the past thirteen years," the spokesbeing said.

However, the Labour leader may need to sup with a long spoon if his bed of roses is not to sow dragon's teeth for future soundbites.

"The next thing you know, people will start to think Ed Miliband has some sort of disagreement with the Conservatives over actual policy," his spokesbeing warned. "If that happens, he may have to start inviting Richard Desmond to his children's birthdays."