Chinese Attack Britain's Transport System

Chinks of hope for Network Rail

China has forced Potters Bar killers Network Rail to buck the trend of Britain's economic recovery by taking on new staff.

Network Rail has been paying millions of pounds in compensation to train companies for delays caused by theft of copper cables from its railways.

The train companies have been passing on the compensation to their customers after the usual fashion of train companies.

The price of copper has tripled in under three years because of the insidious Heathen Chinee and their fiendish construction boom, which has forced financial speculators to drive the price up further.

Theft of copper from railway lines has accordingly become one of Britain's few growth industries, along with arms sales and locking up children.

Despite being forced to employ people from the vicinity of Sheffield and other chav-holes, executives at Network Rail were optimistic about the ultimate effect of the measures.

"It won't affect my bonus," said safetification focus group chairbeing Rodney Dollop, "and it's nice to have some foreigners to blame instead of grovelling all the time."