Voters Just Playing Hard to Get, Blathers Clegg

Wee Nicky has been learning lessons in true New Labour style. As always, the problem is not one of bad policy, but of bad public relations: "I accept that there is real pressure on us to explain to our traditional voters why we are doing this and why it is good for the country". Also, the massacre at the ballot box means that the party is quite popular, actually: "the lesson I have learned listening to people on the doorsteps is that people want a louder Liberal Democrat voice in government", as opposed to wanting it to say the things it was saying when they voted Liberal Democrat last year. In the interests of loudness and public relations, then, Wee Nicky insisted that the cosmetic consultation over Twizzler Lansley's anti-NHS bill is not a cosmetic consultation, and went about repairing his own battered reputation for honesty and integrity by threatening to veto the measures which he recommended to his own party a couple of months ago. The Deputy Deputy Prime Minister, Simon Hughes, even noted belatedly that the Twizzler's bill breached the coalition agreement, a detail which has hitherto counted for about as much as one would expect in a party with the Liberal Democrats' attitude to pledges. For the further comfort of his remaining followers, Wee Nicky said that the party has "a platform from which we can recover", though it is unclear whether the country will fare so well; pledged that he would "never, never, never" join the Conservatives, aside from supporting their policies and serving as a minister in their government; and added: "I will be carried out in my coffin as a card-carrying Liberal Democrat", to which several hundred weary ex-councillors presumably chorused: "The sooner the better".