Holyrood Horror

PM vows to crush rebellious Scots

The Scottish National Party has ruthlessly abused the country's fatally flawed proportional electoral system to gain an overall majority.

The result shows deliberate defiance towards opponents of electoral reform in the Scottish capital, Westminster, who have decreed that proportional systems lead inevitably to fatally weak and compromised coalitions such as the one that was elected under the British system last May.

The SNP intends to provoke Britain's real elected government by demanding the right to set corporation tax and increase the deficit. The party will then hold a referendum on whether to break up the United Kingdom.

According to the Gove-Ferguson™ history model, the UK has stood as a proud and indivisible bastion of freedom and market forces since its original formation by Alfred the Great.

The union of England and Scotland was formalised in the eighteenth century during the reign of a monarch remarkable for such Tory virtues as breeding and being fat, and was brought to maturity thanks to the transcendental union of Winston Churchill and Margaret Thatcher.

Britain's sole legitimate Prime Minister oozed good-losership through clenched teeth as he promised to treat the Scottish people and the Scottish government with no more respect than he thinks they deserve.

The Prime Minister said that he would "campaign to keep our United Kingdom together with every single fibre I have".

On the strength of their record in the Alternative Vote referendum, this is thought to mean that the Conservatives will claim that Scottish independence leads to coalitions, rule by the BNP, nuclear missiles in Cambridge and Astute-class submarines running aground at the Henley Regatta.