Historic Climate Deal
Ministers committed to claiming to hope and believe things
Cabinet ministers have agreed a far-reaching, legally binding "green deal" that will commit the Government's successors to casually shrugging off the fact that they couldn't be bothered to implement it.
Ministers claim (or "believe", as the Observer's resident telepath observed) that large corporations and new industries will be stimulated into orgasmic fervour by the Government's pledge to let corporations and eccentric millionaires take care of things.
The deal means that the UK has the most ambitious targets and the most exalted levels of rhetoric on carbon emissions in the world.
"This is a victory for the cause of enlightenment over the dark forces at the Treasury," said a spokesbeing, implicitly comparing an internecine spat over fairy-tale numbers to the clash of civilisations and the bombing of uncivilised tribes.
"We are the only nation with legally binding commitments past 2020," said another spokesbeing, making clear that nothing much needs to be done until approximately mid-2019.
"This country is now the world leader in cutting carbon emissions," said the same spokesbeing, as environmentalists held spontaneous demonstrations to thank the Government for flatlining the economy into a cleansing coma.
Cabinet ministers have agreed a far-reaching, legally binding "green deal" that will commit the Government's successors to casually shrugging off the fact that they couldn't be bothered to implement it.
Ministers claim (or "believe", as the Observer's resident telepath observed) that large corporations and new industries will be stimulated into orgasmic fervour by the Government's pledge to let corporations and eccentric millionaires take care of things.
The deal means that the UK has the most ambitious targets and the most exalted levels of rhetoric on carbon emissions in the world.
"This is a victory for the cause of enlightenment over the dark forces at the Treasury," said a spokesbeing, implicitly comparing an internecine spat over fairy-tale numbers to the clash of civilisations and the bombing of uncivilised tribes.
"We are the only nation with legally binding commitments past 2020," said another spokesbeing, making clear that nothing much needs to be done until approximately mid-2019.
"This country is now the world leader in cutting carbon emissions," said the same spokesbeing, as environmentalists held spontaneous demonstrations to thank the Government for flatlining the economy into a cleansing coma.
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