The Curmudgeon


Monday, May 09, 2011

Customer Services

Good morning, customer. Thank you for calling the Jobseeker Positivity Helpline. Your call is important to us. We are here to help. We take your needs seriously. Please be aware that fraudulent use of this helpline is a criminal offence and can result in prosecution and possible loss of benefits. We are sympathetic to your needs. We will work together with you to ensure a positive outcome to your ongoing jobseekery. Please remember that claiming benefits to which you are not entitled is a criminal offence and can result in prosecution, imprisonment and fines. Your call is important to us. We are here to help you pull yourself together and join the army of voluntary shelf-stackers and litter-pickers who will build our big society. Please note that failing to accept an offer of work on the grounds of personal inconvenience will result in forced labour and loss of benefits. We are here to support you in not killing yourself or indulging in self-harming activities. Should you attempt to harm yourself, we cannot guarantee to call an ambulance if all our lines are busy. Your call is important to us. If you would rather speak to a recording or be held in a queue, press 0 now.


  • At 10:42 pm , Anonymous Madame X said...

    So I gather the position for annoying telephone answering machine voiceover artist has already been filled?

  • At 11:02 pm , Blogger Philip said...

    No doubt it's a purely voluntary post in any case. You can see how people would do it just for the satisfaction.


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