Red Tape, Blue Twizzler

Evil NHS bureaucrats are turning the screws in a perfect storm of efforts to chop down the Government's flagship policy of NHS reform. Not content with exploiting the stupidity of Britain's nurses, provoking them to pass a near-unanimous no confidence vote in Twizzler Lansley, the fanatical fifth columns of hospital Hitlers are conspiring to make Daveybloke's pledges about front-line services look nearly as convincing as Wee Nicky's response to a moral outrage. On the one hand, ambulance drivers are being laid off by the hundreds and paramedics are expected to operate alone instead of in pairs, because efficiency savings and saving lives don't belong on the same spreadsheet; on the other hand, the Twizzler has been apologising once more for the idiocy of the public, the nurses and the British Medical Association in failing to grasp the stunningly obvious fact that they and he and Lord Ashcroft all have a shared objective. The emotional stress resulting from this tragic misunderstanding has sent the Twizzler more or less into barking mode: he explained the fact that medical professionals were opposing the bill by foaming that "actually the professions supported it", and claimed that ninety per cent of GPs had volunteered to become bureaucrats in order to replace the ones who were fired last week, assuming the latter have not been re-hired in order to cope with the chaos which has resulted from the "natural break" in the legislative process. And it's all the fault of bureaucracy.