Dead Cable

Another subtle hint has emerged as to the attitude which Daveybloke and his Cuddly Coalition take towards education. The corpse of the Liberal Democrat Secretary for Corporate Pandering, Vincent Cable, has been allowed out to waggle its blackened tongue and spew its thinner-than-yellowish bile at those universities which are charging the high fees which Vincent Cable voted to allow them to impose. Education being just another business, the corpse moaned sepulchrally that competitors would soon offer "high standards at lower prices", as well as vocational qualifications which would be advertised as leading straight to a job. The remains of Vincent Cable gave vent to crepuscular howls about redesigning courses (or, in Standard English, giving the Ferguson-Gove treatment to all other subjects as well as history) and managing staff change (or, in Standard English, sacking people). The unquiet revenant munched quasi-apathetically at the flesh of those who imagine that universities might aspire to be anything other than glorified sixth-form colleges and employment consultancies; the brown stumps of its teeth worried among "academics not appointed on the basis of their teaching abilities". The shambling sack of dead meat mumbled that it had hoped to see "a ferment of creative thinking", but hadn't seen much evidence of this; whereupon the eyeballs' glistening pulp finally fell backwards into the slowly bubbling mush that had once been a brain, and the rotting flesh of the paunch split apart with a sound like farting melons and everyone applauded with relief because Vincent Cable was a Liberal Democrat and there wouldn't be any guts to clean off the floor.

Me at Poetry-24
The Last Straw