Party Favours

Marriage is always better than cohabitation. Iain Duncan Smith says so, and we all know how intelligent he is. The Liberal Democrats are suffering a financial crisis because their shacking up with Daveybloke's Cuddly Conservatives has meant the withdrawal of the welfare payments they received as an opposition party. With the usual Cleggite insouciance, some MPs argued that they should have been given the money anyway, just as people in other useless and humiliating positions of employment - perhaps including those party staff who were downsized out as soon as the coalition deal had been signed - are given generous benefits for as long as they consider it convenient.

Since the City is pouring all its spare cash into bonuses and the Conservatives, Nick Clegg has had to launch a funding campaign, starting with a "voluntary" contribution from Liberal Democrat ministers which, it is hoped, will make a dent worth all of £40,000 in the party's deficit of one and a quarter million. The party also plans to raise an extra £679,000 in funds this year, presumably from the copious spare cash which their erstwhile left-wing supporters will wish to throw at them after they help to vote through George the Progressively Regressive's next paragon of financial fairness on 23 March.

It seems eminently possible that the only workable solution may be to do what Daveybloke believes all couples should do, and marry for money. There is little point in working flat out for the interests of Lord Ashcroft and Bob Diamond unless there is some sort of reciprocal favour involved; that is what the Big Society is supposed to be all about. A merger with the Conservatives would ensure that the Liberal Democrats had a decent standard of living, without forsaking any of the principles which they have shown they hold too dear to compromise. Otherwise, perhaps they might ask Francis Maude to knock on a few doors for them, if he isn't too busy running play groups or something.