News 1649

Crusade for tolerance as consequences of leaving Catholics alone become clear

Reactions have been pouring in after reports of Catholic atrocities against Protestant settlers and their property, including women and children, in Ireland.

Various reports, said to be nearly as reliable as the Bible, indicate religious cleansing through mass drownings and babies pulled from their incubators and dashed against walls during the terrorism blight of 1641.

Oliver Cromwell has called the atrocities a "calamitous failure of attempts at multiculturalism" and has pledged to learn the lessons of history and intervene militarily to restore peace.

Any peacekeeping force would certainly utilise the new EasiStick™ pike which can knock out a Papist's eye at five yards without undue collateral damage, said colonies minister Geoffrey Hoon.

Speaking from his lecture plantation in the American colonies, Middle England peace envoy Sir Anthony Blair said that both sides should "exert understanding" and not resort to force unless absolutely necessary for British business interests.

Sir Anthony also recommended that Mr Cromwell deal harshly with "those who would use religion as an excuse for violence", and said that violence generally was the result of too little religion and not too much.

The vacancy that is the present Archbishop of Canterbury said that everything was jolly regrettable and recommended compassion for British soldiers who would be fighting for tolerance.