The Curmudgeon


Monday, December 27, 2010

Social Medicine

Government re-discovers benefits of science as research fails to conflict with doctrine or business interests

Those who feel they need the Big Society like they need a hole in the head may soon get their wish, thanks to a new Government initiative to encourage self-reliance in brain control.

The initiative follows new research which suggests that social activity is related to the size of the amygdala, an almond-shaped clump of nerves that is not a junior minister.

As part of its economising measures to reform (or, in the language of the Common People, "destroy") the NHS, the Department of Fitness for Work has announced plans to close 85% of social care services and sell the rest to Hoon & Murdstone Re-Education Services, PLC.

Consequently, the Government is preparing to incentivise the British public towards a more do-it-yourself approach to mental health. From next spring, those with social difficulties will be placed on a special "mong list" which will entitle them to appropriate equipment.

"All officially designated mongs, spazzes, twats, creepazoids, furglers, goves and gobboes will receive a very nearly painless perforation at the base of the brain," said a spokesbeing.

"The operation will be free at the point of use and the costs will be paid for out of the customer's earnings following de-mongization. The purpose of the incision will be to allow self-administered socialisation procedures to proceed without hindrance from unnecessary facial and cranial matter."

Once the incision has been made permanent with a small plastic tube leading into the amygdala, beneficiaries will receive Government loans to enable them to rent bicycle pumps from their local sports shop and inflate their social standing.

Although at least a dozen Liberal Democrats are known to have instantly signed up for the operation, the Tory right have voiced objections to the measure, claiming that it confers undue benefits on left-leaning voters.

"Any measure that presupposes the existence of a brain is an assault on everything the Conservative Party stands for," said Wicksteed Wadgett, Tory member for Portman Flats. "The Government should remember that this research is only science and says nothing at all against drug use or sexual immorality."


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