Ban Rioting, Police Beg

Police are to request the Government to outlaw further demonstrations against tuition fee rises in the hope of avoiding further violence, it was revealed today.

Students wielding wheelchairs and truncheon-busting cranial appendages have caused almost as much damage to the Metropolitan Police as the malicious heart attack by Ian Tomlinson at the G20 riots.

Controversial measures such as kettling, brought in to ensure that demonstrators stand properly still while being charged by mounted police, have failed to prevent rapid and purposeful motion on the part of many demonstrators, resulting in psychological damage to police and horses.

Officers have also complained of being traumatised when hard objects bounce off their riot shields, and of being treated in the same hospitals as anarchist mobs.

"With the present state of the NHS, you cannot be too careful in terms of separating the deserving from the undeserving," a police spokesbeing said.

"Many brave and dedicated officers are terrified of what might happen to them and their unborn children if a mistake should result in their receiving a transfusion of rioter blood."

Recent demonstrations have also seen the use of psychological warfare by the culprits, who have attempted to avoid arrest by shouting "I'm Andy Coulson!" in tones that police describe as "unduly political".