A Painless Process

The Director of Public Prosecutions, whose liberal attitude to certain types of anti-social behaviour is well known, has once more surprised the nation by deciding not to prosecute an MI5 officer accused of conniving at the torture of a bearded person of limited Britishness.

The bearded person was arrested in Pakistan and interrogated there by the officer, who claimed to be acting under the rigorous guidelines drawn up by New Labour apparatchiki to whom the very word torture was a horror and an anathema.

The officer later visited Morocco, but unnamed sources have informed the Director of Public Prosecutions that MI5 did not know the bearded person was in Morocco at the time, did not know bearded people were being kidnapped and held at Guantánamo Bay, did not know the Pakistani secret services' reputation for sharp practices, did not know where Morocco was at the time, etc., etc.

MI5 in general is so innocent of wrongdoing that other ex-Guantánamo residents have been paid off so that they will not pursue their case any further and risk forcing ministers and the security services to make some sort of show at democratic accountability.

"Jack Straw's genitals are safe for the moment," a legal expert said.

The MI5 officer in question has been found to be a dedicated, skillful and courageous guardian of the public against the terrorist menace. Like many MI5 officers, he is an exemplary husband and father, a keen gardener and the author of several volumes of poetry.