Now God Be Thanked Who Has Matched Us With This Bloke

Daveybloke, the Cuddly Conservative, has been chatting to his chums at ConFlab2010 about a few of the potholes which have cropped up in his wonderful journey. Daveybloke had some fun at the expense of Labour, who made such an absolute mess of absolutely everything that Daveybloke failed to beat them outright under an electoral system he favours. Daveybloke has apologised for breaking his party's manifesto pledge to leave child benefit alone and said he couldn't help it and it was all Labour's fault and if the electorate would just fall into line over the next few years he wouldn't have to batter them quite so much. Daveybloke said that the sick, the vulnerable and the elderly would always be looked after; in view of Daveybloke's record when it comes to pledges and promises and cast-iron guarantees, the sick, the vulnerable and the elderly can but hope that this was no more than an assertion. Daveybloke said that fairness does not mean giving people what they need, but giving them what Daveybloke and his chums think they deserve. A deserving poor person is one who works long hours, brings their children up properly in a household where Chris Graybeing would be proud to pay for bed and breakfast, volunteers to run the local fire brigade, and greets the prospect of sudden unemployment with loud hosannas of gratitude for the aspirational opportunification afforded thereby. An undeserving poor person is one who talks about rights, entitlements and inequality, thus putting a price tag on things which should not be considered in such gross materialistic terms. Daveybloke said that he wished to put broken Britain together again as a country based on values of mutual interest, exemplified no doubt by the cosy relationships between ministers and private corporations, or between Downing Street truthfulness operatives and the Metropolitan Police. Daveybloke said we should be defined "not by what we consume but by what we contribute", threatened benefit claimants with starvation, and politely suggested that the banks might care to think about starting to lend again, if it wouldn't interrupt the bonus-counting too much. Since he is no longer in opposition, Daveybloke refrained from waving dead children around, but used one of his remaining offspring to give his party a primary-schooler's explanation of the virtues of co-operation. "When we say: 'We are all in this together', that is not a cry for help," Daveybloke said. I must say it never occurred to me that it was a cry for help; I had assumed it was George Osborne's idea of a joke - which, come to think of it, may amount to the same thing. As a matter of fact, the slogan is not a cry for help or a joke or even (may you be forgiven your uncharity) a fib, but "a call to arms". Daveybloke told the British people: "Your country needs you", a slogan most famously used on recruiting posters for a war in which large numbers of deserving poor endured horrendous conditions while a lot of hard-faced men did very well out of it.