Vested Interests

Daveybloke, the Cuddly Conservative, who spent the last election campaign burbling about "broken Britain", whose party is in hock to the restrained and rational Murdoch press, and whose orange muffler has been known to make rah-rah noises about out-Thatchering the old bag herself, has registered irritation at the "inflammatory arguments" being used by some people on the nasty, wastrel side of the war on the public sector. "Downing Street sources", with the possible exception of Honest Andy whose cosy relationship with the Metropolitan Firearms and Headbangers' Club rather disqualifies him from such uncouth conduct, criticised the Police Federation's warnings about "Christmas for criminals" as one example of the kind of irresponsible scaremongering of which Daveybloke disapproves now that he is in office. A spokesbeing said that Daveybloke would not be "bowing to vested interests", such as the sort of exploitative, taxpayer-fleecing fat cat who shamelessly uses public health, education or transport as an excuse for making a living. No doubt this self-imposed obeisance cap is jolly reassuring for some. If Daveybloke were to bow any lower to a certain silk-vested interest in Belize, for example, somebody might take it into their head to use his obsequiously wobbling gluteus as a springboard for getting in Lord Ashcroft's face.