The Scene of the Crime

That paragon of British values, the Upper Miliband, appears to be suffering pangs of disturbed self-interest over the matter of torture. Of course, the Upper Miliband knows that torture is illegal and believes that it is morally unacceptable, and to suggest that he is inclined to put up with it for a moment is to perpetrate an unforgivable and baseless slander against a great statesman and a brilliant Foreign Secretary. That is what the Upper Miliband has told us, and given that he was a New Labour minister who had to go squeaking to the Americans for an alibi, his accusers have little choice but to fall silent. Unfortunately, it appears that the Upper Miliband is not as certain as he would like to be that the Labour Party respects his abilities sufficiently to make him the most vacuous managerial technocrat to become CEO since the last vacuous managerial technocrat who became CEO. In an effort to defeat the conspiracy theorists and forces of conservatism once and for all, the Upper Miliband today dropped by the Foreign Office to consult some files. The present Secretary for Wogs, Frogs and Huns, Willem den Haag, was no doubt busy leafing through Lord Ashcroft's book to see if he got a mention, and the Upper Miliband was able to prove to his own satisfaction that there was no evidence against himself and that, as was usual with New Labour ministers, he "always made the right call". Well, that settles that.