I Paid Millions for This Party and it Doesn't Even Work Properly

The leader of the Conservative Party, Lord Ashcroft, has published a hundred-and-thirty-page hissy-fit about Daveybloke's failure to win an outright majority against an unpopular and discredited government. Ashcroft criticises Daveybloke's Cuddlies for "unnecessary and counterproductive attacks" on Labour, which seems a little harsh given that the Conservatives agreed with Labour on so many issues that any opportunity to make an actual attack must have come as a welcome break in the neoliberality. Ashcroft believes that Daveybloke's Cuddlies should instead have focused on persuading the electorate that the party had changed from the nasty, stupid, privatising, poor-bashing, child-imprisoning, immigrant-kicking party of yore into a nice, stupid, privatising, poor-bashing, child-imprisoning, immigrant-kicking party like New Labour. Apparently Daveybloke's failure to win an overall majority shows that the voters were unconvinced that this transformation had occurred. Ashcroft also thinks Daveybloke and the Minister for Belize, Willem den Haag, "could have mounted a more spirited defence" over the purchase of his peerage. That was certainly a wasted opportunity. If anything could have persuaded the voters that the Conservatives had changed for the better, a spirited defence of Lord Ashcroft's lily-white dealings might just have been it.