Heavenly Hiccups

Part of Vatican Incorporated's long and profitable success is undoubtedly due to the glibness of its doctrinaires in rationalising away the quirks of a complicated world and the more obtrusive lunacy of their own pronouncements; and the glorious occasion of the sixteenth Daddy Goodspeak's visit to Britain has already provided at least one test of the modern church's talents in that regard. Arrayed no doubt in the usual paraphernalia symbolising the brand's noted humility, the Pontiff of Paedophilia will hold an open-air mass in Glasgow before an expected congregation of a hundred thousand people who will be required to stand for five hours in the Blessed Presence, without umbrellas. After all, since when does it rain in Glasgow in September? Apparently there are security concerns, despite the heavenly expectations of the beneficiaries and the presumed bodily presence of the Saviour at the event: faith is a mysterious thing. Cardinal Keith O'Brien, whose favourable view of overcrowding has been noted by your correspondent in the past, took the traditonal view that any discomfort endured by the lower orders would do their morals good, and that the cancellation of their transport was less a cock-up to be deplored than an opportunity to be savoured: "You're not sitting back at the beach relaxing: it's something serious and obviously there's something penitential," he said. "There is penance involved in it, just sacrifice; sacrificing of time, sacrificing of comfort, sacrificing of your energy and so on, to be involved in all that's going on. And I see great benefit from that as well." It is not entirely clear whether the cardinal plans to shed his robes for meaner cloth and mingle with the herd incognito after the fashion of the infidel Haroun al-Raschid; most likely he has less humble sacrifices to make.