The Curmudgeon


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Prison Works

The rod of justice may be beaten into a ploughshare for the back of taxpayers under a new scheme to offer shelter and "dignifying labour" to the unemployed which was unveiled today by the Home Office.

Under the initiative, accommodation in Britain's prisons will be offered free of charge to those willing to undertake appropriately big-societal tasks by day and observe a modest 23-hour-per-day lockdown, said coalition ministers Humphrey Hardy-Honeydew.

Conservative back-benchers have registered concern at the possibility that prison may become "the new council house for life", but Mr Hardy-Honeydew said that the Prime Minister and his deputy had anticipated the difficulty with all the power and sagacity of their preternaturally attuned brains.

"Nobody is suggesting these people should have homes for life," Mr Hardy-Honeydew chorused.

Speaking from his blue face, Mr Hardy said: "This initiative will offer the unemployed a disciplined environment in which they can avoid the dangers of a wastrel lifestyle."

Speaking from his orange face, Mr Honeydew said: "As we reduce the overcrowding in our prisons caused by the policies of the last government, it is obvious that more and more convenient living space will become available, which it would be a tragic waste to leave empty."

As well as public sector cuts of up to forty per cent, the coalition intends to reduce housing benefit, resulting in potential negative accomodationalisation for several million of the undeserving vulnerable.

Fears have been expressed that even the voluntary sector will be hard pressed to find useful employment for so many human resources, even if plans to reintroduce child labour for the offspring of non-graduate parents are postponed to the next parliament.


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