Police Apologise Over Botched Non-Assassination

Armed police have offered unreserved apologies over the self-administered shooting of a suspected criminal somewhere north of London this morning.

Despite having a name like that of the villainous mastermind on the last level of a shoot-'em-up game, former nightclub bouncer and certified non-darky Raoul Moat was "treated with wholly undue restraint", a spokesbeing conceded.

"Obviously the handling of this case was inappropriate given the calendrical proximity of the 7/7 anniversary celebrations," said Regional Superintendent Sir Brian Astroblaster.

He was referring to the London suicide bombings of July 2005, which were to blame for the open-verdict death of a deceptively innocent Brazilian and the shooting and subsequent defamation of a man with a beard by the Metropolitan Police.

Although families were unavailable for comment, representatives of various news media were reportedly "disgusted" at the anticlimax to the 6-hour standoff, which featured at least one implicit brain-splattering suicide threat on which Moat failed to make good.

As pinky-fingered dawn drew back the shades of night to lower the curtain on the tragic drama to which film rights have yet to be sold, representatives of various other news media were still lying exhausted from multiple orgasms and were thus unable to comment.