There's Always Miliband

The leader of the Labour Party, Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring, has jumped in with his hobnailed brothel-creepers to try and defuse any suspicion that a Labour election victory would mean five more years of Gordon Brown. Interviewed by the Murdoch Times, Lord Mandelbrot said that Labour might "go five more years or four or three, or however many it is, with the person they know and can depend on", depending on whether the new New New Labour parliament includes anyone less incompetent at making a Putsch than Hazel Blears, James Purnell, Charles Clarke, Butcher Hoon, or Patsy Hackitt the Nurses' Friend. On the other hand, it appears, Gordon has been doing a wonderful job in difficult circumstances, being the only party leader with sufficient courage and grit to force those on lower salaries than himself to pay for his mistakes.

Daveybloke, meanwhile, has promised Torygraph readers that he will be a new Thatcher, handbagging all and sundry until the Great has been jolly well put back into Britain. Daveybloke summarised New New Labour's legacy as "our economy wracked by debt, our social fabric torn apart and the political system mired in sleaze", which is not at all the way the party of the poll tax riots, the three million unemployed, the Short Sharp Shock, the Westland scandal, Saddam Hussein's supergun and Cecil Parkinson would have left matters. Daveybloke promised "quietly effective" government, which may or may not be a coded pledge to sack William Hague, who is not effective, or George the Progressively Osborne, who is neither effective nor quiet. Daveybloke also reiterated his long-broken promise to dispense with "crude party politics", which is almost certainly a coded pledge to form a coalition, should circumstances require it, with the Liberal Democrats, the Ulster Unionists, UKIP, the British National Party, Robert Kilroy-Silk or anyone else with whom Daveybloke may find it necessary to jump into bed.