Still Belching Forth

The leaders of Britain's two and a half major political wings of the business community took it in turns today to pledge firm action on Europe as the Iceland volcanic eruption continued to spew black clouds of doom into the national Press.

A long and tedious article in the Observer equated the financial losses incurred by airlines, and the inconvenience suffered by holidaymakers, businessmen and satellite dish owners, with the "chaos" of the French Revolution, and raised the spectre of food shortages in its second paragraph before qualifying the panic-mongering in its twenty-second paragraph.

The Prime Minister promised urgent action on the problem of volcanoes. A battalion of scientific advisers who claimed that the Government's proposed £3bn programme to divert relatively non-dusty air into the alveolae of hard-working families would be "impractical" were summarily sacked this morning.

The Leader of the Opposition, Nick Clegg, criticised the Government's lack of vision and promised urgent action on the problem of volcanoes. "We'll give those volcanoes a shorter, sharper shock than Thatcher gave Britain's thugs," he said, before urging disaffected youth to vote for him.

The Conservatives blamed the disruption on Government incompetence, Brussels meddling, public sector waste, BBC bias, the insidious Dr Fu Manchu and the tax burden on married couples, which a spokesbeing said meant that some married couples could be out of pocket by as much as £3.00 per week despite being married couples.