Your Friendly, All-New, Privatising, Euro-Nazi, First-Past-the-Post, Beer and Skittles Bloke Party

Daveybloke, the Cuddly Conservative, has evidently been told by his Cuddly Coulson that it's about time he started looking like a statesbeing in the true Blairite mould rather than the greasy, posturing little opportunist he has hitherto been content to appear. Daveybloke claims that he turned down an interview with the Glorious Successor's emotiporn co-star, Piers Morgan, because Daveybloke would "rather try and do something a bit more substantial rather than that". Accordingly, Daveybloke has been strutting his substance in the common people's media, talking about Guinness, darts and Sky Plus because ordinary blokes and blokettes "want to know what makes you tick, what motivates you, and I think trying to explain a bit about your family, your background, your life, what it's like, just helps people to see what you're like", thus enabling ordinary blokes and blokettes to make an informed and reasoned judgement about which qualities Daveybloke and his publicity team imagine the common people wish to see in their leader.

Daveybloke is a family bloke who talks openly about his family; this bodes well for his government's likely degree of respect for the privacy of those whose dirty little secrets are less important than the Ashcroft variety. Daveybloke does his own shopping, cooks his own food and does all the things that one does as a family bloke; this obviously qualifies him to run the country, much as his loss of a child guarantees that his health policy will be determined in the interests of public health rather than those of the corporations whose directorships will help to keep him in the ordinary-bloke style to which he is so clearly accustomed. Daveybloke is against the commercialisation and sexualisation of children, provided such commercialisation and sexualisation are neither necessary nor appropriate; though, as we all know, he has nothing against the exploitation of children for the purpose of scoring cheap political points and does not seem to have anything against New New Labour's policy of banging them up except that the Conservatives can do it cheaper and tougher. Daveybloke is in favour of women MPs and Lark Rise to Candleford. So now we know.