The Curmudgeon


Thursday, February 04, 2010

A Mystery

Somebody with the tell-tale, wishy-washy surname of Scholar has accused Daveybloke's Cuddly Conservatives, of all the Blairite truth-warriors in the world, of making misleading use of official statistics. Daveybloke's Cuddly Minister for Boot Camps, Chris Graybeing, has issued leaflets to the Conservative Party's remaining activists claiming that violent crime has increased massively over the past decade. Of course, thanks to the Vicar of Downing Street's most famous non-regrettable foreign policy triumph, this is perfectly true. Hundreds of thousands of people have been killed or had their homes vandalised; none of the perpetrators have been brought to book, and no compensation seems likely to be forthcoming. However, most of the people in question are foreigners, and the Conservatives registered even less objection to Operation Iraqi Liberation than the Parliamentary Labour Party; so it is unlikely that Graybeing was referring to that. Nevertheless, as an indirect result of the war almost sixty people were killed and several hundred injured in suicide attacks here on the mainland, which led in turn to the Metropolitan Police being issued an unofficial license to kill. Could it be that Daveybloke's Cuddly Conservatives have a problem with this? No, perhaps not.

Britain's leading liberal newspaper has somehow failed to get an explanation from Cuddly Central Office, who are doubtless still rather busy trying to work out if they have a fiscal policy, and if so, what it is and whether Rupert would approve. New New Labour have shown their usual resplendent ineptitude by taking the cork out of Agent Smith and permitting her to hold forth on the Conservatives' being caught "bang to rights". This is rather like (to take a random example) getting the Pope to hold forth about religious freedom, since Smith was herself caught bang to rights two years ago, using "premature, irregular and selective" figures on something other than her expenses claim form.

Well, what could be the explanation? Surely Daveybloke's Cuddly Minister for Slapping Down and Banging Up can count - he is after all, Chris Graybeing and not George Osborne.


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