The Curmudgeon


Thursday, February 11, 2010

He Will Be Sorely Missed

New New Labour managed to maintain a fa├žade of panic-as-usual today as one of the party's most outstanding areas of natural fatuity announced its retirement from Parliament at the next general election.

Geoff Hoon, one of the thickest of thick ends in the New Labour wedge, served the Vicar of Downing Street as Minister of Frogs and Huns, and at the Department of Delays, Cancellations and Cock-ups as the next best thing to Ruth Kelly.

However, his longest and best-known role was as Minister for War and the Colonies, a job which he performed with all the flair, competence and independence of mind one would expect from one of Tony's choirboys.

Although he apparently did not realise there might be anything wrong in going to war against Iraq, Hoon did once eructate a certain hope for the future of the cluster-bombed, stating that the mothers of detrimented infants might one day be ready to thank the Coalition of the Enlightened for its efforts at freedomisation.

Hoon announced his retirement ahead of a motion of no confidence which was to be debated by activists from his local party. Some remnants of the grass-roots Labour party are said to be annoyed with Hoon over his attempted putsch against the Glorious Successor, although it is not clear whether they are angry with him for disloyalty, for incompetence or for associating the constituency of Ashfield with the likes of Patricia Hewitt.

A creature of New Labour to the last, Hoon signed a letter equipped with all the usual abstract nouns - equality freedom tolerance compassion understanding people background views and, most endearingly of all for his many fans, principles.

He also blamed the press for being unfair and inaccurate, as when the Government's implication that Saddam Hussein could launch weapons of mass destruction in forty-five minutes was misinterpreted as a warning that Saddam Hussein could launch weapons of mass destruction in forty-five minutes.

Hoon is the second major area of natural fatuity to announce that British democracy will have to do without it in future, after Kim Howells in December.

Tributes and expressions of goodwill for Hoon's future are expected from somewhere or other eventually.


  • At 7:29 am , Blogger Giovanni said...

    Civilisation heaves a sigh of relief.

  • At 12:20 pm , Blogger Philip said...

    Well, indeed. As Hoon himself might say, even Saddam Hussein was eventually persuaded to step down, and look what we've got in his place.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home