An Appropriate Climate

A minister in the Ministry of Snoopery has dismissed with a light laugh the thought that anyone should have any idea how many criminals are on the national DNA database, which was set up ostensibly in order to help police keep track of criminals.

Thanks to the Government's pro-active approach to creating new offences, and its fervent belief that criminals are best dealt with by allowing them to benefit from the company and experience of other criminals for long periods of time, nearly 84,000 people are currently in prison in England and Wales.

The minister stated that "there are good reasons for believing that a significant majority of the prison population" has a DNA profile on the database, which could mean that anything up to 49.9% of the prison population does not.

By contrast, more than 975,000 people who have been arrested but not charged or convicted have had their DNA collected and logged. An unknown number have also been arrested for terrorism offences such as unauthorised architectural depiction or making malicious optical contact with an officer of the law.

"We should make sure that anyone convicted of a serious crime has their DNA records kept, but not the innocent majority," said shadow home affairs spokesbeing Damian Green.

The minister responded that the opposition had "clearly no comprehension whatever of the needs of an efficient police state."

What mattered was not whether innocent or guilty people were monitored, the minister said, but that as many people as possible were monitored and that the system was as chaotic as possible within a reasonable profit margin for the private companies involved.

"This system and only this system will create an appropriate climate of public paranoia from which the jackboot of genuine democratic reform can be made to give birth to a fair future," he said.