The Curmudgeon


Monday, August 31, 2009

Borderline Humanity

In yet another last-ditch effort to pacify its core vote in the Mail and Murdoch camp, New New Labour has released a "snapshot" from its brilliant if sometimes rather darkly coloured album of child incarceration. Fuller figures have not been made available, presumably as a precaution against the sort of public obduracy which has led to so many unnecessary difficulties with such projects as Operation Iraqi Liberation, the various Surveillance Makes You Free schemes and the gradual removal of fripperies like public healthcare from the agenda of the NHS.

Nevertheless, the snapshot discloses that on 30 June this year four hundred and seventy minors, most of them under five, were in detention with their families. Almost a third were held for longer than twenty-eight days, with the signed authority of a minister. Fifty-six per cent of those held were released back into the UK, "their detention having served no purpose other than wasting taxpayers' money and traumatising the children involved", according to one demographic swamping condonement resource. This is almost certainly unfair, since the detentions in question very likely helped to increase the profits of Serco, a leading provider of integrated service solutions in the worldwide defence and aerospace markets and co-manager, with two other disinterestedly competent parties, of Britain's Atomic Weapons Establishment. Serco took over the running of Yarl's Wood detention centre in 2007, and is committed to "developing the centre into a recognised centre of excellence for detaining females and families in a safe and secure environment". The word females is a particularly eloquent evocation of Serco's humane and tactful handling of this particular category of toxic waste.

A spokesbeing for the Ministry of Incarceration and Deportation declared that "UK Border Agency fully recognises its responsibilities towards children but these responsibilities have to be exercised alongside our duty to enforce the laws on immigration and asylum", the said laws being self-evidently impossible for a government with an absolute parliamentary majority to change in any way. Daveybloke's Cuddly Minister for Wog Disposal described the Government's attempts to find alternative punishments for asylum seekers as "feeble", before making the not unfeeble observation that something better and cheaper might be more expedient for the national pride.


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