Police Apologise Over Death of Non-Protester

City of London Police and the journalists who transcribe their press releases have issued "a full and unreserved apology for any distress that may have been caused" by inaccurate reports about the death of Ian Tomlinson during the G20 protests.

Although police initially claimed that protesters threw bottles at them while they were trying to aid and comfort the dying man, it turned out that this was either a perceptual error or a pious untruth of the kind popularised by Sir Michael Wright.

Eyewitnesses are now claiming that Tomlinson was caught between the protesters and the police who were attempting to prevent them lynching the entire suit population of the City.

One witness stated that Tomlinson "was rushed from behind by a riot officer with a helmet and shield two or three minutes before he collapsed". This witness is an experienced press photographer, rather than a protester, but her statement is suspiciously similar to statements made by protesters.

The photographer noted that Tomlinson "was not a mouthy kid or causing problems", although it is not clear whether he was wearing a bulky jacket, performing unauthorised leaps or otherwise inviting death.

A spokesbeing for the IPCC said: "It would really make our job easier if the police and the press could co-operate a bit more on cobbling their stories together. Then perhaps they wouldn't fall apart in less than a day or two."