Snow in Winter

Panic as North Atlantic island gets cold in February

Frozen flakes of crystallised water have fallen from the sky over Britain, plunging the country into crisis and causing billions of pounds to be lost by those firms foolish enough to employ British workers in British jobs.

Two-thirds of water consists of hydrogen atoms, isotopes of which are utilised in the manufacture of thermonuclear weapons.

The particles of non-privatised moisture, hardened by sub-zero temperatures into blinding white crystals of ice, fell from immense heights and in vast quantities on Sunday and Monday, disrupting public transport and frightening thousands into staying in bed.

The disaster is thought to have resulted from an unexpected lowering of temperature, which occurred without warning despite the winter season.

The Minister of Warmth-Sustainable Comfort said that the Government sympathised with the idle elderly, and advised those with high energy bills to seek accommodation in EU countries with higher cold weather payments.

Government spokesbeings have also blamed immigrants, terrorism, the Human Rights Act and the government and people of the Republic of Iceland. Her Majesty's Opposition has blamed immigrants, terrorism, the Human Rights Act, the minimum wage and the Government.

The mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has suspended all environmental measures in the capital until further notice, so that climate change may be combated by market forces unmolested by political correctness and bendy buses.

Conditions in the British capital are thought to be worse than at almost any time since the last time it snowed in February.