The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, July 28, 2008

News 2012

The only cheap thing about the London Olympics

Air quality stable as Government denies new wheeze
The Government has denied that "emergency measures" are required to reduce pollution in London in advance of the Olympic Games, a Government spokesbloke said on behalf of the Government.

Over the past few months, the Prime Minister, London mayor Boris Johnson and Olympic organiser Baroness Jowell of Lombardy have all supported measures designed to ensure that the casualty rate among athletes due to air-quality related disrespiration issues is at least 20% less than the average for Londoners.

Although the Prime Minister and the mayor vetoed the idea of cutting the city's traffic during the summer, they have both been active in trying to persuade Londoners to breathe less deeply during July and August, thus leaving more oxygen in the air for the athletes.

An aide of Mr Johnson's who said "if these muscle-bound foreigners don't like our air quality they can go and breathe elsewhere" was quickly taken out of context in order to spend more time with his directorships.

The mayor himself blamed the city's pollution levels on "bike-stealing idlers and congestion charge jihadists who don't even have the Britishness to get on one and look for a job".

The air quality would be much worse if the four or five most recent tunnel collapses in the Underground system had not occurred, Mr Johnson said, particularly given that the trains involved "were full to the brim with lungs".

The Prime Minister said today that the Olympics would be "an event in British history to rank with Lady Thatcher's funeral and the Millennium Dome", while Baroness Jowell said that the gold, silver and bronze content of some of the medals would be "absolutely guaranteed".

London's air quality is the fifth worst in the world, after Beijing, Calcutta, New York and Michael Winner.

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