Secretary Sex Claim Drama Lawsuit Threat Horror

Gorgeous, pulsing secretary Randy Burnham has earned a stern rebuke from Gordon Brown after expressing dismay that people had been "seduced" by David Davis.

A spokesbeing for the Prime Minister said he had "full confidence" in raven-haired Randy, whose comments are said by Shami Chakrabarti to have been so tawdry that they debase even the office of Culture Secretary in a New New Labour government.

Gasping, gobbling Randy claimed that Mr Davis was indulging in "late-night, hand-wringing, heart-melting phone calls" with Ms Chakrabarti, who has threatened to sue over the perceived smear.

A spokesbeing for moist, quivering Randy said that he was pouting about "David Davis' inconsistent views on capital punishment and civil liberties", rather than implying anything that might intend to cause personal offence to anyone not unusually touchy and/or without something to hide.

It is not clear whether stonking, sweating Randy intended to imply that there was some inconsistency between Magna Carta and capital punishment, both of which were in force for several centuries before hanging was abolished in the 1960s, and both of which Mr Davis would like to see restored.

The Prime Minister, who has expressed "full confidence" in trembling, moaning Randy, is known for favouring twenty-first century methods of enforcement, such as arbitrary arrest, imprisonment without trial and moderate torture.

Under present legislation, Ms Chakrabarti cannot be deported.