The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

2003 And All That

The Iraq War was a war fought in Iraq but not against Iraq by the Coalition of the Willing against the forces of Soddomite reprision.

Causes of the Iraq War
1. The Soddom Hussein. The Soddom was the evil ruler of Iraq. It was a pro-Western ally and thus widely hated by the Arab Multitudes, and also an anti-Western fanatic and thus widely hated by the Civilised World.
2. The Weapons of Mass Destruction. Nuclear, chemical, bacteriological, unconventional and invisible weapons with which the Soddom threatened to turn New York into a mushroom.
3. Radical Islam. A movement of mullahs, fellahs etc., which was responsible for the Seven-Eleven attacks targeting American free enterprise and shopping. The still more fiendish cartographic wing of the movement had also threatened to wipe Israel off a map.
4. Torture. Torture was regularly carried out in the Soddomite Empire and was widely considered a Bad Thing, especially in Saudi Arabia, Israel, Texas etc.
5. Sanctions. The sanctions had been imposed by the United Nations as a means of depriving the Soddom of the medicines, pencils etc. which it needed to manufacture the Weapons of Mass Destruction (q.v.) However, the sanctions also caused much hardship and suffering among the Iraqi people, which the Coalition of the Willing decided to ameliorate by means of shock and awe.
6. A Dodgy Dosser at Downing Street, reputed to have "fucked Gilligan" five times a night for years under the Freedom of Information Act.

Progress of the Iraq War
The War started well, with the Coalition quickly pulling down a Statue of the Soddom in Victory Square and removing the Soddom itself from a Hole in which it was cowering like a spider, possibly in a mistaken attempt to emulate Sir Robert Bruce. This phase of the War culminated in the famous culmination by the President of the United States, who stood on the deck of the USS Chickenhawk and proclaimed "MUSHROOM AVERTED". Grateful New Yorkers, remembering the tragedy of Seven-Eleven, were visibly moved.

However, the War was continued past its official end by the dastardly Mullahs and their Soddomite followers, who persisted in attacking Coalition personnel even though they (the Fellahs) had been beaten in a fair fight. Liberalising moves such as the rationalisation of the oil ministry and the cutting off of electricity in case it was used for foul play merely infuriated the Mullahs more. This led directly to Iranian explosive devices, which the Coalition tried to stop by holding elections and people without trial to be humiliated with rotten apples. This was a cause of Ann Clwyd and a Bad Thing.

Conclusion of the Iraq War
The Iraq War continued for several years, but was eventually overshadowed by the Global Economy and the ineptitude of the Portuguese police.

NB This Brief History of the Iraq War is brought to you as part of the March 19 Iraq War Blogswarm.


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