Constitutionally Incapable

The Minister for Incarceration and Deportation, Jack the Suit, is working on "a proposed British bill of rights and responsibilities", doubtless including an appropriate dress code, and "a British statement of values". He believes that "there is a wide understanding that English constitutional documents such as the Magna Carta are profoundly important to the way we have developed as a society", and it is obvious that this deplorable situation cannot be allowed to continue. He also believes that "the British people have developed an innate understanding of rights", which has inveigled itself into "our cultural DNA" and, as is well known, has caused many of New New Labour's present difficulties, as when people object to Magna Carta being torn up so that terrorists can be stopped from changing our way of life. Fortunately, "most people might struggle to put their finger on what [their] rights are, or in which texts they are located"; thus, as so often when it comes to the uniqueness of our Britishness, "we can learn a great deal from the US example, and particularly with regard to the enviable notion of civic duty that seems to flow so strongly through American veins". The Minister's notions of citizenship seem terribly biological. However, an American-style constitution, overriding the sovereignty of six hundred and something liars, crooks, thugs, cranks, arse-lickers, windbags, mediocrities, time-servers, jellyfish, nonentities and occasional real people, would not work in the UK. The sovereignty of parliament is a "fundamental plank" of government, and is not to be overridden by anything so trivial as a set of civilised rules.

Anyway, in the interests of constructive debate, I offer the following Decalogue, comprising British values and their corresponding responsibilities, as a tentative suggestion for the back of Straw's envelope:

1. Democracy is a British value. Feel free to take part in any debate under which the Government has not drawn a line, and remember always that, thanks to the national database, the Home Office knows where you live.

2. Respect for others is a British value. Remember that foreigners do not always appreciate this.

3. Respect for the law is a British value, unless you are rich enough to circumvent it or you are a fundamental plank of government.

4. Freedom is a British value. That is why every schoolchild has heard of Cromwell, while comparatively few have heard of John Lilburne. Invest in Honest Jack's titan jails.

5. Tolerance is a British value. Make sure it isn't diluted by extremists, teenagers, foreigners, internet users or people who cover their heads.

6. Restraint is a British value. Read the Sun and the Daily Mail.

7. Trial by jury is a British value, unless the Ministry of Justice decides it isn't.

8. Great literature is a British value. Read the Sun, the Daily Mail and Dan Brown.

9. Minding your own business is a British value. Shop a benefit fraudster today.

10. Respect for history is a British value. Remember who won the war.