The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Tagged by a Teabag Again

That estimable literary critic, Larry Teabag, seems to think that just because he said nice things about my magnum opus he can meme me whenever the fancy takes him. Unfortunately for all concerned, he appears to be right. He also refers to me as a "negative miserabilist", which presumably means I am a positive felicitationist, and challenges me to name seven things of which I am in favour. Obviously, this puts me out a great deal more than it does you; particularly as, pedant that I am, I do not propose to cheat. Any miserabilist with a modicum of low cunning can disguise a negative as a positive by subtly darkening the shades of meaning in, for example, I am not in favour of Boris Johnson to produce I am in favour of the violent disassembly of Boris Johnson, or even slapping a patchy coat of primer onto I am against the blasphemy laws to disguise it as I approve of repealing the blasphemy laws. I am not in favour of such subterfuge; but here are seven things of which I do approve:

1. Winter. Cold weather, howling gales, black bare branches stark against a slaty sky; it gets dark early and the Great British Belly wobbles off into hiding for a month or two - all to the good.

2. Cats. Species disdain, silent condescension and batting helplessly squeaking small creatures back and forth on the front doormat all help to make the world a more enjoyable place. Cats have honed these skills to perfection.

3. English. Not that I have anything against other languages, but I grew up with this one: a useful tool, a superb entertainer and a serviceable bludgeon.

4. Spiders. Their jaws move from side to side; they have lots of eyes; they trap other creatures, paralyse them and suck them dry; and the way they walk is also rather good.

5. Caffeine. I don't know where I'd be without it, but wherever that is I don't wish to go there.

6. Apartheid. Parents and children should be segregated from civilisation until (a) they learn how to conduct themselves in a civilised manner, or (b) the children are old enough to join the armed forces, or (c) they are all dead; whichever happens first.

7. Barking mad films. Recently viewed nominees include Shane Carruth's Primer, Pier Paolo Pasolini's Pigsty, Werner Herzog's The Wild Blue Yonder, Mel Gibson's Apocalypto and Béla Tarr's Sátántangó.

The inconvenience is hereby passed on to Michael, Fumier, Foot Eater, Ion, Ed, Sue and Whoever.

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