A Higher Positive Integrity

The Ministry of Nuclear First Strike has discovered that our brave boys in Iraq need "a better understanding between right and wrong" in order to avoid breaches of international law like the alleged ill-treatment of Baha Mousa, a Basra hotel receptionist who had the bad manners to suffer ninety-three injuries in British custody. Our brave boys are accused of using five enhanced assertiveness techniques - wall standing, hooding, subjection to noise, sleep deprivation, and deprivation of food and drink (or "starvation", as it used to be known in Oldspeak) which are banned under international law and other forces of conservatism, but are not banned under the British army's rules of good behaviour. Edward Heath banned hooding in 1972 after being embarassed before the European court of human rights over the war on terror in Northern Ireland; but "somewhere between then and 2003 that directive got lost", along with the one from Nuremberg about conspiring to wage war. Hence, "soldiers were not told about their obligations under international law"; doubtless as a result of bureaucratic carelessness by the intelligence services.

The Ministry's report blames ministers for "lack of awareness of the operational context" and "paucity of planning for nation-building" once the Iraqi nation had been demolished, and otherwise going about their crimes against peace without due care and attention. The report recommends that soldiers be reminded of New Labour's respect agenda with such "core values" as "selfless commitment, courage, discipline, integrity, loyalty, and respect for others", and that they be informed that loyalty "is not just to your mates but to a higher positive integrity, to tell the truth", as habitually practised by Ministers.