Waste Paper

Well, here's a thing: New Labour's Department of English Flooding and Related Affairs has been receiving advice from a fellow firm of marketing consultants. A spokesbeing claimed that "Munro & Forster have provided a pitch to Defra with some ideas for expanding the debate on waste. This is not a Defra document and no commitment has been made to taking these proposals forward"; so clearly it was done out of sheer marketing consultancy goodness. Nevertheless, the document's suggestions are hearteningly - the evil-minded might say suspiciously - close to the sort of thing New Labour likes to think of as dynamic and innovative and otherwise appropriate to the rebirth of the nation; which is to say, they amount to a PR exercise that is a good deal cheaper than actually doing anything.

Munro & Forster's document "draws up a dream shortlist" of celebrities who, it suggests, should be paid to promote the Government's green messages because ministers are "a turn-off". Ministers, particulary New Labour ministers, do not turn people off because they are venal, untrustworthy, mealy-mouthed, insincere, sanctimonious, hypocritical, nosey, niggardly, or simply unaware of what planet they are living on. Ministers, particularly New Labour ministers, turn people off because the public - doubtless for the same arbitrary and irrational reasons which have led it into the error of opposing ID cards and the Iraq war - responds to celebrities rather than to politicians. Hence, if a minister tells you to compensate for the inadequacies of your water company by turning off the taps while you brush your teeth, or informs you that global warming is mostly your own fault for having your thermostat one degree too high, the beneficial effect of the advice is dissipated by the turnoffability of the source. On the other hand, if Stephen Fry or Maggie Philbin give you the same message, the effect will be salutory indeed, since the important thing is not the message itself, but the celebrity orifice from which it emerges.

Apparently this particular marketing ploy works best on thirty-five-year-old women who are married with teenage children and "affluent and consumptive". Despite their tuberculosis, these ladies spend a good deal on cars and holidays; but they are nonetheless "environmentally aware" to the extent that they need to be reminded of their obligations by the likes of Tony Robinson and Ben Fogle. The Government also plans to "launch a big public debate next year on waste", which will doubtless be a classic example of the unity of medium and message, and will presumably provide similarly appropriate sources of advice to less important social groups.