The Manchurian Candidate

The Heathen Chinee have sneered at the efforts of a hard-working peace envoy to bring the light of salvation into their drab, wretched lives. The recently-ascended former Vicar of Downing Street was allegedly paid half a million dollars (£237,000 at the moment, but may yet tumble further) for a speech which revealed "nothing new". This will come as a very small surprise to anyone who has lived for any length of time with Tony's unappetising mix of Thatcherite policy, Head-Boy-on-Prize-Day rhetoric and Jeffrey Archer persona; but it seems to have been a bit of a shock to the system for the little yellow chaps. Tony, it seems, was "forthcoming with pleasantries and clichés without offering any insight", which shows that his time as Saviour of the Middle East has not dulled his charm nor swelled his not-quite-infinite variety. "We should exercise less ostentatiousness and vanity ... [and] learn more new and genuine knowledge - especially when we are using even a penny of taxpayers' money," advised the China Youth daily newspaper, which shows just how primitive an idea of the uses of taxpayers' money some people still have. If that's their attitude, it's no wonder there's so much pollution. Tony, at least, has been careful to ensure the sustainability of the Blair legacy: he "reportedly earned £300,000 in his first week of a North American speaking tour last month, during which he apparently recycled the same jokes on a number of occasions".