Sparing the Rod

A California toy company, One2believe, is negotiating for the release of its inspired line in Biblical kitsch in the United Kingdom. Apparently they've done a roaring trade via the Church of WalMart and now hope to enlighten Britain's brats as well.

The toys include P31 dolls, which are available for the Lord to use "as a means to encourage the girls of today to become Proverbs 31 women of tomorrow!", namely the kind whose price is far above rubies, or $39.99 in this case; and "to encourage young girls to pursue biblical womanhood", doubtless including concubinage. P31 specimens to date include Abigail, one of King David's less colourful wives; Elizabeth, who gave birth to John the Baptist; and Leah, who was somebody's ugly sister; and jolly Hebraic they all look, too. Leah "comes with an accessory kit, containing a Bible lesson (based on Proverbs 31:20), two cookie-cutters, a cookie recipe, and a list of exciting activities". Abigail "comes with an accessory kit, containing a Bible lesson (based on Proverbs 31:20), two cookie-cutters, a cookie recipe, and a list of exciting activities". Elizabeth, however, "comes with an accessory kit, containing a Bible lesson (based on Proverbs 31:20), two cookie-cutters, a cookie recipe, and a list of exciting activities". Biblical womanhood is clearly a thrilling proposition; one can only await with anticipation the emergence of Bathsheba, Jezebel and Jael the wife of Heber.

There are also Tales of Glory figurine sets, including a Daniel who comes with about ten per cent of a den and a lion who looks like Dougal from The Magic Roundabout after a bad haircut; a David and Goliath where David and Goliath are about the same size and appear to be in amicable agreement about the ownership of a smallish bit of elephant dung; a Moses and the Ten Plagues which seems to have got mixed up with the Ten Commandments (surely those stone tablets didn't appear until after Pharaoh let his people go?), the plagues being represented by a lump of broccoli and some beetles.

Then, of course, there is the inevitable Jesus Loves Me Bear, a "soft plush bear with gold bow that sings and dances to the song Jesus Loves Me"; and the even more inevitable Messengers of Faith, including a 30-centimetre-tall Jesus doll which recites Bible verses and boasts for almost a full minute about the feeding of the five thousand; and an Esther doll for the Zionists among us.

I could go on and on; but the treasures at One2believe are infinite. The founder of the company, Dave Socha, claims to have a Proverbs 31 wife: "Give not thy strength unto women", saith the mother of King Lemuel, who also noted that a virtuous woman "is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar". Perhaps the kitchen in Dave Socha's house has been placed too far from the dining area. The Vice President of Sales is a 24 fan who "enjoys the opportunity to interact with his clients and provide their product needs" in between hearing about "the children, who come to a saving faith in Jesus Christ, grow in their relationship with Him, and learn about the Bible through God's use of our Christian product!" Children can learn from these toys even when God has pinched them to use for himself. Lots of other people work at One2believe, including a webmaster who cannot spell Philippians. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.