Squaring the Wheel

In an encouraging sign that the Reverend Tony's methods have not been altogether abandoned, the Department of Pandering to the Car Industry has released this pre-announcement of an announcement of another revolution in rail travel. This one is going to solve the problems of delays, overcrowding, suspect packages and "abnormal behaviour", as well as line shutdowns and bird flu. Mercifully, someone has called somebody's attention to the fact that double-decker trains would make it necessary to alter the height of every tunnel and bridge on the line; so longer trains, running closer behind one another, are being considered instead. Eventually we can just have one single, endless chain of carriages stretching from the Channel to the Scottish border. In order to keep it economical and help save the planet, no locomotives will be used and the carriages will not move; but passengers will be at liberty to utilise the central aisle for walking whatever distance seems convenient. Officials have accompanied the pre-announcement of the announcement with a pre-warning of a warning: namely, that these improvements will come at a price. Of course the price will not be paid by the Government, let alone by the private companies which have brought our railways to their present grievous state. The price will be paid by the passengers, whose seats will be removed from busy trains so that they can be packed in even more closely, and who will have to pay higher fares "to encourage travel outside the rush hour", travel during the rush hour being an unpardonable self-indulgence which commuters must be forced to outgrow. The expectation of the pre-announcement is that the announcement will also announce that "savings could be made by further cutting back maintenance on the least used rural lines", train travel to and from rural districts being another unpardonable self-indulgence. It is fortunate that the pre-announcement of the announcement announces the announcement of enviro-cuddly trains "using biofuels and even hydrogen power", since hopefully these will go some way towards offsetting the emissions from all the cars moving back and forth between those places which no longer have a railway service and those where standing room on a train is too expensive to afford.