The Simplest Solution

Daveybloke the Cuddly Conservative has achieved yet another achievement: he has at last found someone willing to run for mayor of London. Daveybloke has previously attempted to field such political heavyweights as Greg Dyke, such populists as Digby Jones, and such paragons of firmness and competence as that whining grey suit which presided over the Conservative party's decline and fall in the 1990s. None of the three was tempted, so Daveybloke has scraped the bottom of his fairly meagre barrel and lugged forth the game show luminary and professional twit for Henley, Boris Johnson.

The incumbent mayor, Ken Livingstone, paid tribute to Boris' obvious concern for the state of the capital and its citizens: "He did not bother to vote in the House of Commons to defend the Freedom Pass for free travel for older people. He did not even bother to vote on the Parliamentary Bill in favour of Crossrail - the most important transport project for London." As one might expect given such a record, Boris has promised to stand for substantive issues: "a greater London and for putting the smile back on London's face". Boris believes that "the mayor of London should keep things simple and direct his or her intellectual energy at the core problems that affect people's everyday lives", the core problems of the hoi polloi apparently requiring no more than a toss of the haystack and a hey-nonny-no to compel their instant disappearance and immediately engender a greater London with a smile on its face.

Daveybloke himself has shown in the past how seriously he takes Boris by making him shadow minister for Oxford and Cambridge, and Boris has repaid the compliment by making no impression at all in the post, which he has now resigned.