Saving the Planet

Diplomatic Dialogue for World Leaders

GEORGE
Yo Blair.

TONY
Er - "you", George, aha ha, aha ha, aha ha ha ha. It's wonderful to see you again, defending the interests of the poor and the helpless, intervening humanitarianly to save the planet shoulder to shoulder with Britain's greatest al-

GEORGE
Yo. Seen Angie around?

TONY
Angie?

GEORGE
Angie Murca. She's hostifying this wingding, I'm told.

TONY
I think you may be meaning Angela Merkel, as it were?

GEORGE
That's the gal. Remember how I grabbed her that time in Russia, that time -

TONY
Yes, George. Hilarious, aha, aha, aha ha ha. If I could just -

GEORGE
- when we was talking about stopping the Lebanon shit and -

TONY
Yes, George. If I could -

GEORGE
- and I said some shit to you and you said some shit to me and then -

TONY
Yes, George. If -

GEORGE
- turned out the microscope was still functionable -

TONY
Yes, George -

GEORGE
You might just oughta let people know about that stuff. Get Mandelbert or Campbellbert or whatever to release it to the press, y'know. Voters like a guy who looks dumb once in a while.

TONY
George -

GEORGE
I mean, just look at Scooter.

TONY
George -

GEORGE
Yo.

TONY
George, I wonder if I could ask you a very small, that is a very small to you but to me rather significant, well very significant, I mean it shouldn't matter much to what is, after all, the greatest country in the world, but to me and my little British people it would matter ever so much -

GEORGE
Yo Pooty-Poot.

TONY
- if you wouldn't mind, that is. I'm sorry, what did you say?

GEORGE
Just saw Pooty-Poot back there. Probably still pissed about the missile defence shield.

TONY
Well, if you can't get it into Poland you can always put it in Scotland, as it were. I mean, I'd be only too happy, as part of my legacy -

GEORGE
Yeah, heard you were leaving. Too bad.

TONY
Well, I wanted to go out on a high. Before my people become tired of me. I thought I'd just leave quietly, take a few trips to see some of those I've helped in the past. You know, once you've saved someone's life, you're responsible for them for ever?

GEORGE
You mean like liable? Like legalitigacitously? I thought I told Congress to do something about that.

TONY
No, not legally, just morally.

GEORGE
Well, that's okay then. I mean, we can do moral responsible till the cows hit the fan. Why else would we keep praying to Jesus to help us sort shit out?

TONY
I couldn't agree with you more, George, I simply couldn't. Now, speaking of moral responsibility, I wonder if we could discuss that little -

GEORGE
Yo waiter.

TONY
George?

GEORGE
Waiter!

TONY
George?

GEORGE
Hey, waiter! Like, yo?

TONY
George, that's Shinzo Abe.

GEORGE
No it ain't, it's plain ornery English.

TONY
No, I mean that little guy is Shinzo Abe, the Japanese prime minister.

GEORGE
Prime minister? You sure?

TONY
Yes, George.

GEORGE
Sheesh. Well, it's a good thing you said something. Might have been a little tension there if I'd a done said what was on my brain at the time when I was gonna say something to the guy, him being a Chink and all.

TONY
Yes, George.

GEORGE
Might have given him my laundry or something. Could have disincentivised him. They're funny that way.

TONY
Yes, George. Now, if we could discuss the planet for a moment?

GEORGE
Planet? What planet?

TONY
The Earth, George, the planet Earth. God's creation. You remember what I said the other day, when I phoned you up - the planet's in trouble, and only we can save it?

GEORGE
You said something about it to some secretary of Dick's or something.

TONY
Well, I'm very grateful that he passed the message on, of course, and of course I'm very grateful to you for listening and remembering the message when you received it. That's the kind of simple, great-hearted generosity that makes our relationship special. Now, about the planet, George - if you wouldn't mind terribly, and if it isn't too much trouble, I'd like very much for my legacy to include something about saving it a bit, if at all possible.

GEORGE
Yeah. You mean like a mission to carbonise our turds so we're safe from the varmints.

TONY
In a manner of speaking, George. I mean trading carbon emissions so we can save the environment. But you put it exceptionally well.

GEORGE
Sounds a little displausibilitude there to me. What about the mirrors in space thing?

TONY
But that could take years, George. I have to leave office in a few weeks. I just thought it would be rather wonderful if we could, if you could, as it were -

GEORGE
You mean like propose some stuff?

TONY
That would be just wonderful just extraordinarily deeply absolutely wonderfully -

GEORGE
Hey, there she is. Yo Angie.

TONY
So, George, I take it we have an understanding? As between equals, George? George?

GEORGE
Oh sure. I'll tell them Chinks and Injuns what-for, zero problemo as we say in Texas. Yo Angie! Hear you're having a little Vietnam syndrome. Protestors, riots, the works. And my grand-daddy Prescott said you krauts were the most obedient guys in the world, except maybe for the Democrats. Times sure they are a-alterin', as we say in Texas.

TONY
George, I -

GEORGE
Yo Blair. Don't interrupt.

TONY
Aha. Aha, ha ha.