Plant a Tree With Defra and Save the World

The Department of Environmental Fudgery and Rhetorical Activity (DEFRA) has announced the launch of a special website to enable planetary consumers to calculate how much they are contributing to climate change and what they can do to mitigate it. "I hope that in time it will come to be seen as the gold standard for carbon calculators," said David Milibalabaland, the Secretary of State for Talking about the Environment. Of course, the calculator has been slightly simplified so as not to confuse anyone - areas omitted from the reckoning include "food consumption, public transport and the overall share of emissions generated by public services - from street lights to schools and health care to military spending" (sic). "Just as people are increasingly looking for advice in areas of their life like fitness, diet or lifestyle, we need to give them this support in reducing their carbon footprint," said David Milabilabiland. Well, one learns something new every day. Naturally I was aware that New Labour has plenty of advice to give about fitness, diet and lifestyle, but I was not aware that it had been looked for.

A Friends of the Earth campaigner implied that people, even British people, might have difficulty mending their ways "unless, for example, government has got a good public transport system"; but fortunately the chairman of Shell UK was on hand to make a more constructive contribution. He said that Shell "wanted an international agreement on how much emissions would be cut by, an international carbon trading system, public funding for new technology, and regulations to set standards for everything from vehicle emissions to building design." Doubtless Shell, like so many companies, is energetically lobbying David Milibilabaland's department for all this, and the soon-to-be-unveiled gold standard for carbon calculators is merely the illustrious beginning of DEFRA's dynamic response.