Britishness: Earned, Not Learned

The Sectarian of State for Muslim Control, Ruth Kelly, has put her little head together with that of Liam Byrne, who is one of the Government's numerous Ministers for Tabloid Pacification, in order to extrude yet more words of wisdom on the wonders of Britishness. They are worried about a "critical risk" that forty years of increasing diversity in the country is causing communities to "start looking inward and questioning their identity", rather like Her Majesty's Opposition or the kind of people who talk about "Britishness" all the time. Thus, "instead of emphasising what they have in common with others," the said non-white, non-Middle-England communities "stress the divisions and differences". The task of all who subscribe to the British values of American democracy, Chagossian fair play and North Korean efficiency, it appears, is "not to plan a separation" over the next ten years.

It sounds easier than it is. The business of not planning a separation includes plans for a number of interesting and enlightening community activities designed to enlighten the interest of British communities about the enlightened and interesting business of being a community in Britain. Suggestions include "incentives for 'active citizens', such as cash top-ups linked to the Child Trust Fund or reduced tuition fees", while teachers get their pay cut as a reminder of just how much Britain values their activities. Another idea (I use the word euphemistically, of course) is a national "Britain" day, on which our pride in our uniquely superior non-exclusiveness will, "in co-operation with local areas", spontaneously overflow in a cleansing, cohesifying cluster-bomb of integrative consolidation and separative non-planning.

There is also a suggestion for "local 'good neighbour contracts' for all newcomers, explaining the rights and responsibilities of living in the UK". Contracts with whom? The Government? The local authority? The neighbours? Serco, perhaps? Who will decide whether a given contract has been kept, and what will be the penalties should either signatory fail in fulfilling their obligations? It is pleasant to think of Ruth Kelly or Liam Byrne being deported at dawn for falling behind in their Britishness; but I suspect it will remain merely a thought.