Save Time and Money - Tag Your Gran

The science minister, Malcolm Wicks, has raised the possibility that elderly people could be tagged and tracked by satellite - purely as a compassionate measure, of course. "People wander out of care homes", despite tens of millions of extra staff employed under New Labour, "and go down to the beach, or they get lost. With more and more extended families, we have these things happen. This is a realistic social concern," Wicks said. Go down to the beach?

Anyway, with regard to tagging, not only will it help to detect elderly bathers who have been carried off by sharks, but "People may want this for a family member, and the family member may think it is appropriate." Wicks does not appear to have made clear if either of these necessary conditions would be sufficient on its own. He told the Guardian that his aim was "not to be Big Brother-ish or tag people like criminals", which may well be true. If New Labour wished to treat the elderly like criminals, it would pay a bunch of crooks to lock them up, in the hope of creating a vibrant mixed market in pension crisis unit management.

Instead, Wicks claims he wishes to "bring some security, safety, dignity and independence to a frail group of people"; and, Wicks being a New Labour minister, of course we must believe him. A spokeswoman from the Alzheimer's Society said the idea "could potentially have some benefits", but unfortunately this would be contingent upon its being "managed very sensibly" and not becoming "a substitute for good care"; which shows a surprising lack of concern for New Labour's idea of bringing security, safety, dignity and independence to a growing, vulnerable and potentially disaffected group of people. According to Wicks, the government has "no concrete plans to pursue the idea", which presumably means that appropriate legislation will be in place by the autumn.