The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

News 2020

PM vows to continue fight as terrorists' cynicism shocks world

The Prime Minister said today that the fight against terror would continue "despite the breathtaking cynicism of those who would use British servicepersons as pawns in their violent and greedy power game".

He was speaking as it became clear that the Iranian government-in-exile had freed fifteen British hostages in what the Prime Minister described as "a gesture of breathtaking cynicism".

The hostages, who were all British navy personnel, included several teenagers of strikingly noble aspect and two grandmothers with histories of emotional problems. Their kidnapping was described by the Prime Minister as displaying "a cynicism of breathtaking gesturality".

The hostages were kidnapped as they cruised the Ben-Gurion Canal in search of opportunities to be of service to local people. The Iranian government-in-exile, which refers to the canal as the Shatt-al-Arab, claims that sovereignty over the waterway is disputed, but the international law which agrees with them is only recognised in parts of the world outside Britain, the US and Israel.

As the hostages were bundled onto a flight to London, the Prime Minister warned that the situation was "extremely serious". When the aircraft reached the former Iraqi border, he said that the crisis was "undergoing a considerable increase in seriousity" and that efforts were being made.

As the plane entered European airspace, the Prime Minister rushed to lay fifteen specially manufactured navy-blue poppies at the cenotaph in London and stated that Britain was willing to be reasonable with the Iranians provided the Iranians showed a willingness to abandon their "ridiculous attitude of gestural escalativity".

When the flight carrying the ex-hostages was over France and approaching the British mainland, the Prime Minister described the situation as "grave" and warned the Iranians that unless our boys and girls were "delivered unto my servants unharmed and unmolested and free not to wear headscarves", there would be "consequences".

As the aircraft's landing gear touched the runway and the ex-hostages were reunited with their loved ones at Heathrow's Clean Air Terminal 17, the Prime Minister told reporters that he hoped the terrorists had learned a lesson from the crisis.

The terrorists might "feel they had gained the upper hand" with their gesture, the Prime Minister said, "but I must assure them that when the free world is on the ropes, a few more spins of the chessboard will leave the team of human values in possession of the field."

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