The Curmudgeon


Saturday, February 10, 2007

News 2020

Britain going swimmingly despite moisture, minister says

Motorists and lesser Britons continued to suffer chaos today owing to the effects of enhanced temperaturisation on the frozen "water" which settled over much of the country during the past few days.

Much of the "water" has now undergone a defrosting effect similar to the process of taking a turkey out of the freezer to be burned by men in protective suits.

This has caused large amounts of "water" to appear across the country in a liquid state. Scientists say that the excess moisturisation being experienced in certain areas is probably a result of this process.

Environment minister Davey Jones denied that large parts of the country were "flooded" just because they incorporated a higher proportion of moisturality than was usual for the time of year.

He also urged people to resist the temptation to indulge in blame-shedding, and to increase their personal buoyancy by whatever legal means were available.

But he said the Government was confident that Britain's private moisture distribution contractors would result in an equitable resolution to any problems caused. "For example, private enterprise has ensured that Britain's drains are in an appropriate condition to burst under present conditions," he said.

"But private enterprise has also ensured that Britain's roads are in an appropriate condition to collapse into the drains under the weight of traffic, thus opportunifying enhanced quantities of moisture to be disinconvenientised."

In other parts of the country, the "water" remains frozen, causing rail delays and increased skidding of taxpayers.


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